1.07.2014

reasons why cold weather makes me insufferable

this photo is pretty much a perfect example of how I spend the winter

1. I'm pretty sure the most traumatic moments of my day have already happened and those occurred when I had to get out of bed and had to find some pants that were, of course, tangled in a basket of laundry.

Note: In the interest of anyone's disturbing mental images, I don't sleep pantsless unless I'm wearing a gown, which I was/am.  With pants, currently.  You're welcome.

2. The main reason that getting out of bed was so devastating is that I shamelessly confiscated the heated throw which was a Christmas gift to my husband and took it to bed with me.  It was set on the 3-red-bars setting, which is, I've found, the perfect setting when it's on top of a quilt and a flannel sheet (and no pants, but not in a creepy-I-sleep-with-no-pants-on kind of way, which we've already established).  Furthermore, it turns out that the 4-red-bars setting is the perfect setting for when you're sitting at the desk wearing pants (and a gown) and need something warm to wrap around your shoulders.  An activity, by the way, that I make fun of my husband for doing like it's my job.  Not that he wears pants and a gown.  I mean, he wears pants, obviously... nevermind.  Moral of the story: The current cold snap has turned me into a thief and a hypocrite.  I feel better with that off my chest.

3. I don't even know how to address what my skin is doing right now.  I've had to use "special" soap and shampoo in the winter for the past couple years anyway and every time I think about that fact, I involuntarily roll my eyes because being a diva is something to which I never aspired.  And now, apparently, those "special" products have decided to not work for me because oh. my. gosh.  You know that scene in The Mummy where the gem stones come to life and turn into scarab beetles and go all up under that poor guy's skin? Yeah, basically anytime anything touches my back, that's what it feels like.  

And, because my skin is so dry, my sebaceous glands are all like, "EMERGENCY! ACTIVATE!" so my face is an alternately greasy, shiny, pimple covered mess and typing-paper dry and Joan-Rivers-face tight.  When I smile, I can feel my ears move.  Also, having dry skin reveals wrinkles.  The most pronounced of which happens to be right on top of a zit.  True story.

4. Guess what my favorite thing to do is when it's cold. Sit around/nap/do nothing of any value whatsoever.  Guess what my second favorite thing is.  Eat with reckless abandon.

"Oh look! I just walked into the kitchen! Better grab a snack."

"Oh look! I just left the kitchen and am approaching the couch! Better go back to the kitchen and grab another snack."

"Oh look! I'm awake and doing nothing of any value whatsoever! Better grab another snack."

My jeans groan when they see me coming.

Ok... now a word in my own defense.  I actually don't mind the winter.  I don't really have a favorite season because I love things about every one.  Every day of life is a blessing and I try to remember that and live that way.  I just don't always handle cold weather all that well, which you've probably figured out already.  Furthermore, I really believe that if there was an actual reason that I had to go out in the cold, I would handle it differently.  If I had critters to tend to or some kind of actual outdoor work, I would deal with it.  I mean, I did go out and feed the dog and get the ice out of her bowl and refill it OUTSIDE, I might add, which means I got water ON MY HANDS.  That wasn't pleasant.  But I didn't die or shrivel up or spend the rest of the day cursing the cold weather.  I handled it.  And came right back inside.

Believe it or not, I could go on, but I'm becoming disgusted with myself.  And kind of hungry, now that I think of it.

Better go grab another snack!

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Just a note here to say a big THANK YOU to all of you fine folks who do have to work outside in this bone-chilling weather.  Farmers, members of the military, law enforcement and other safety personnel, linemen, HVAC folks, plumbers, probably cable people too, for heavens sake... I'm looking at YOU.  For doing your jobs so that rest of us can be safe and comfortable and entertained (oh brother)... I appreciate your willingness and sacrifice.  THANK YOU!

(Also, before you call animal services, rest assured that Gertie gets plenty of attention and has an insulated doghouse that is blocked from the wind and has lots of pillows and she's always very warm when she emerges  I wouldn't allow it to be otherwise.  Oh, and she also has a fur coat and was very wisely designed to survive outdoors.  But that's another post altogether.)

2 comments:

  1. 1- HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! 2- I find pants to be highly annoying and try to do without them as often as possible, ESPECIALLY when sleeping. 3- Now I want a snack... 4- I absolutely love your writing style. You are hilarious. and 5- I would highly recommend that you try Almond Oil as a moisturizer from head to toe. I have some and would be willing to give you some for you to try. I use it all over. Even in my hair. Love your blog, and you, and your family.

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    1. Hehe... thanks! I've never heard of almond oil. I'll let you know if I decide to borrow some... I just bought a jar of coconut oil and I've heard you can use that as moisturizer, I think, so I may give that a try. I've been enjoying your blog as well... we both need to stick with this thing!

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